5 Ways to Establish The Habit Of Loving Others
"Don't talk of stars, burning above If you're in love, show me." Alan Lerner, My Fair Lady
My intentions are better than my reality.
I want to be that patient, kind person behind the wheel of a car and I'm not. I'd love to be the parent who has a kind, wise response to squabbling children, but I don't. I long to be the thoughtful, considerate friend who is terrific at follow up and be the always supportive wife.You're picking up on my pattern, right?
I am not all that I want to be; not by a long shot.
And yet, I am also not what I once was, and, for that, I thank God, my family and more than my fair share of patient friends.
In moments of clarity, when I think about what's driven my growth most, it's been the times I've had to set aside my considerable selfish, self-centered impulses and focus on other people. When I consider how to "habitualize" loving others, I realize there's at least a handful of things that need to happen.
1. Assume a position of action
All of my good intentions don't help me love others unless I'm in a position to MOVE. Practically speaking, the implication is that two things are going on: I must have MARGIN to respond, and I have to PAY ATTENTION to others. When I have available time and resources, I'm more likely to notice the need and able to respond appropriately.
2. Guard the tongue
When I practice the habit of loving others, I am usually practicing saying less. I've found my well-rooted and firmly-held opinions don't always communicate love and acceptance and silence rarely hurts. This is my most challenging part of the process!
3. Just Be
To love well, I need to meet people where they are. So if the moment calls for joy and celebration, then let out a yell, buy balloons, throw a party. If, instead there are no words for the moment, don't say anything. Just be.
4. Don't "tolerate"
These days "tolerance" is thrown around like it's some sort of social ideal; as if we deserve a pat on the back for being "tolerant." Sure, "intolerance" isn't what I'm endorsing; however, I think we can aim higher. When I think I'm taking a position of tolerance, I'm not exactly loving. I'm merely enduring a pebble in my shoe or ignoring the thorn in my side. Tolerance is far too low a bar for who I want to be. If I want an enduring habit of loving others, I can't merely "put up with" people, I have to find sincere points of connection.
5. Practice
There's no finish line for loving others. The habit will only endure to the extent I practice the habit - intentionally, relentlessly, daily.
Psychologists long ago established how emotions follow actions, so if you want to "feel" loving toward others, you "do" love through habits you decide to cultivate in advance.
What practical step can you take this week to love others?