The Power of Acceptance
Fifteen years ago this Friday my boyfriend, Billy, became my husband. However, before our wedding, Billy had to jump through a few "hoops" beyond the usual dating/courtship mechanics.
You see, Billy was raised in the South by a Southern woman and a Texas-born man, Frances and Rees. As a result of his upbringing, Billy felt it necessary and proper to call California and ask my dad, Fletch, for "my hand" in marriage.
My father was happy to take the call and listened to Billy outline his intentions and why he thought we should be married. After using a TON of words to explain his love for me to my dad, Fletch said the first thing that came to mind following Billy's question, "May I have your blessing to marry your daughter?"
"Well," dad said with a chuckle, "you know Joy IS a bit of handful, right?" "Oh yes," Billy replied. "I've spent a lot of time with her."
Dad wasn't being rude; he was being candid. (Fletch deals in blunt conversations the way most people consume white flour; it goes with every meal.) He wanted to know if Billy understood the scope of the commitment to marry me. Dad wanted to make sure Billy wasn't asking for a tamed, compliant, baggage-free woman, because that wasn't gonna happen.
Dad loved me unconditionally, but could Billy? (Thankfully, Billy was up to the task!)
At first glance the exchange between Billy and Fletch SOUNDS insulting. However, this conversation was a defining moment for me.
The truth is I AM a "handful." (No comments please!) A decision to love me while KNOWING my "issue" list is the opposite of insulting; it's a compliment. When you accept someone with their imperfections visible and very much intact, you open the door to authentic relationship.
Embracing someone's imperfections communicates acceptance and acts like a magnet bringing people together. The good news is, the principle holds with your spouse, children, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and even strangers. If you want to be a person of influence, you need to leverage the power of acceptance.
Unfortunately, if you're like me, true, authentic, proactive, unconditional acceptance is challenging because it's more natural to try and "fix" people than embrace them with their flaws. I have people in my life who wear me out. Some individuals get on my very last nerve (am I alone?), and I'd love nothing more than to school them on "basic" communication skills, "common" courtesy, and "standard" driving techniques.
The problem is how easily I ignore my hypocrisy. I want people to show patience for my short-comings when I'm challenging, and yet I am frequently impatient with other people's imperfections.
The madness has to stop! What has to START is...
- Celebrating differences
- Assuming a posture of student rather than instructor
- Labeling "annoyance" with people's imperfections as my character flaw
The way I see it, if I spend as much energy accepting people as I do arguing, coercing, and trying to fix them, I might end up being less of a handful myself!
How have you seen the power of acceptance play out in your life?