Why You Can't Convince People
When I was in junior high school and living in Southern California, my parents made frequent trips back to our former home in Central California (Kingsburg) to visit with friends. The driving route cut across the middle part of the state through acres and acres of farmland. My Dad taught agriculture at the time, so he used the time to "talk shop." I felt as if I were listening to non-stop lectures on attributes of the assorted fruit trees and vegetable crops for the five-hour drive. Try to imagine how much a 14-year-old would care about whether or not a particular field needs crop dusting and you can picture my attitude. To make matters worse, my dad listened to Tom T. Hall,Waylon Jennings, and Charlie Rich non-stop (no offense intended to country music fans). I moaned and groaned the entire drive, playing the tortured youth perfectly.
However, during our long drive, my Dad teed up one topic that got my attention and allowed me to do what I loved doing most: argue. The argument started when Dad started commenting on the almond groves we were passing. However he didn't say the word "aLL-mond" correctly. Instead he pronounced the word "Aaa-mond."
What??? That's not how you say the word!
I was all over him about the mistake. Dad insisted that the "l" is silent, and that he absolutely knew how to pronounce the name of that tree. He said that we don't say the "l" in salmon, so there ARE examples where "l" is silent. I was as incredulous as any teenager could get and argued with him for miles. Finally, he threatened to swing by and ask an "Aaamond" farmer how they say the word just to settle the dispute. Well, I wasn't interested in adding a minute to the drive, so I backed off.
Still, when we were out of the car and safely ensconced with our friends (the Haskells) I decided to ask "objective" people how they pronounce the word. Boom. Just like that, Dad and I were back in our dispute. However, everything came to a halt when Mr. Haskell stopped the conversation and pointed his words directly at me.
"Joy," he said, " I want to teach you a saying that's going to save you a lot of time and aggravation in your life."
I was all ears.
"A PERSON CONVINCED AGAINST HIS WILL, IS OF THE SAME OPINION STILL."
What? I asked Mr. Haskell to repeat the expression slowly and then asked him what it meant.
He went on. "Your daddy is always going to drive past those groves and see 'Aaamond' trees no matter how many people you find that agree with you or how many dictionaries you pull out. He's decided that's what they are called, so that's what he'll call them. There's no point in arguing with someone who has already made up his mind. You aren't going to convince anyone of anything they don't want to be convinced of."
I memorized this expression that day, but I don't think I fully understood its meaning until I was much older. I didn't grasp that most arguments are futile in convincing people because, much of the time, firmly held opinions aren't open to being "convinced" into a different perspective.
As a practical matter, I try to remember this and change my approach to people who have differing opinions by:
- Disengaging from the conversation. ("Oh look, the game has gotten close!")
- Redirecting the discussion. (Parenting has helped me develop this skill.)
- Asking questions about their opinions. (After all, I might learn something!)
- Saying "how fascinating..." (Neutral statements are my friends.)
The best use of my energy is to make a decision to "Keep calm and carry on."
Mr. Haskell was right about my dad saying "Aaamonds," and he was right about not wasting time trying to convince people who don't want to be convinced.
(After all, I'm ignoring that silent "l" right in the middle of "salmon.")