Five ways to teach your kids flexibility
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” - Albert Einstein
You don't have to spend much time with kids before seeing how much they enjoy repetition and routine.
They like waking up the same way, sitting in the same seat, eating the same foods, and having a the same bedtime drill every day. They want to know "the plan" way before there is a plan (or is that just my kids?) and they definitely have opinions, usually negative, whenever something defies their routine.
Predictability is great, particularly when it contributes to a child's security and roots.
Of course, I'm all for security and I don't generally have a problem with routine, but Billy and I also want to make sure our kids don't get rigid in their expectations; rigid things break. We want our kids to be pliable and able to adjust to the surprises life has in store.
After all, flexibility enables kids to embrace variety and take risks.
For instance, imagine that your kid only rides in air-conditioned cars and complains of boredom whenever the DVD stops. How does such a routine prepare the child for commuting on a hot, crowded subway or riding on a team sports bus? Will they embrace the experience or dread it? Think about the child who eats strictly buttered pasta or pizza for meals. How grumpy will they be when they visit a friend who serves a different kind of food? Will they try new things or just skip the meal and let everyone deal with their "hanger?" However would they cope in a non-Western country?
In our home, we say flexibility is a muscle and, similar to our body's muscles, our family routine needs stretching to stay limber. As a result, Billy and I often think about keeping our kids nimble and teaching them how to "go with the flow."
So far, this is an easier goal to make than it is to achieve. Still, any progress usually falls into one of five overarching "how to" categories.
1. Demonstrate Flexibility
Before lecturing the kids on why they should be more laid back, take a good long look in the mirror. Or, better still, ask friends of yours to rate your flexibility. Ask for feedback on how well you handle changing plans or adjust when you don't get your way. Do you bust out the French "Comme si comme ça" attitude, shrug your shoulders, and carry on, OR do you have a mini-meltdown? Your children will respond to the world the way YOU respond to the world. If you want them to become flexible adults, demonstrate flexiblity yourself. Bend often, Say Yes, and Say Yes again. When you stay limber, it's more likely your family will as well.
2. Minimize "mine"
Have you ever noticed how kids gravitate towards ownership and claim the oddest things as "mine?" I'm not simply talking about who owns which toy, but ownership of intangible things. This is MY side of the car! I sit there! I want to dog to sleep on MY bed tonight! When statements like that leak out around our house, sometimes we have long conversations about what's "really mine." Other times we ask questions such as, "Wow - did you buy the car?" But mostly we change things around so no one feels too much ownership of things. We sit at different places around the table. No one has a side of the car. Many of the objects in our home belong to "mom and dad" and we "share." (Isn't a wii on your Christmas list?!) The goal is to stop the bad habit of "mine" because it's symptomatic of being self-centered, and when you're self-centered, you expect the world to flex with YOUR demands rather than the other way around.
3. Don't promise to be"fair"
The argument for "fairness" doesn't go very far in our house. We don't do "fair." We tell the short people we believe in making decisions that fit each child best. Sometimes our daughter requires incentives (or consequences) that are different from our son. If our kids are going to stay flexible, they have to drop the idea that life will be fair. They have to stop measuring what they have against others. That's a comparison game, and everyone who plays, loses. Just to be clear - I'm not implying we aim for the OPPOSITE of fair, but rather that "fairness" isn't one of our family values. What we aim for is BEYOND fair; what we value is "grace."
4. Plan strategic surprises
If you want to make flexibility fun, think about how to surprise your kids on a regular basis. Show up for lunch at school. Tell your kids you have to swing by the grocery store and take them to an amusement park (or any park) instead. If you go to the store every Saturday afternoon, find a time where YOU show flexibility, and plan something entirely different. Keep your kids off balance enough that they think of surprises as an adventure to be embraced.
5. Switch up the routine
The easiest way to stretch the flexibility muscle is to switch up the tired routines. I like to call out random ideas and tell the kids how FANTASTIC it would be to do the old chore a new way. That's why my daughter and I will set the table describing everything we do in a British accent. It's also the reason the boys walk backwards to the bus stop on occasion. From sleeping in a different room (under the dining room table?), to tackling homework at Starbucks, to eating outside, we get a stretch in little ways that hopefully make a big difference.
What are the things that made YOU flexible? And how are you passing that along to your kids?